RELATIONSHIP AND SEX
Unsent letter: You will always be my biggest “What if?”
November 4, 2021
I was ten when I first saw you. We sat next to each other in school. We were nothing but classmates back then, not even friends. I had a crush on your friend, and I didn’t really care about you. Then, we started to get to know each other. There was one time when you fell of the chair, and I did nothing but laugh. Little did I know, that was the start of a great friendship.
Time passed by, and we entered high school. We had the chance to get to know each other more. We became closer. Then, college came, but we still stayed the same. You were there whenever I needed you. You are my “one call away” friend. From mending a broken heart to doing my research, you always stood by my side. Can you still remember how we spent midnights to mornings doing my school stuff? I don’t think I ever thanked you enough, but I hope you know how grateful I am for sharing those good times with me.
I have always looked at you as a good friend until one summer came. Maybe it was because our friends noticed our closeness, too. They would often say that we would end up together, eventually. We would always laugh at that thought. But honestly, that was when I started to feel something strange whenever I was with you.
I tried my hardest to brush that feeling off. However, you started to say things that made my heart pound every time. You would always tease me that you’d be the happiest man on earth if I would let you court me. I can still remember when you told me “Sana ikaw na lang ang ibigay sa akin.” I answered back as if it was a joke. I would always respond like that. It was not because I am not into you. It was because I was too scared that if I took it seriously, it would make everything awkward. I didn’t want to lose our friendship. So, I decided not to take the risk because I was too scared to lose you.
Eventually, the teasing stopped. We grew older, became professionals but remained friends, even got closer. However, even up until now, I would always ask the universe, “What happened during that summer?”
Our friends told me back then that maybe, you were also scared to risk our friendship. So, when I unintentionally sent the wrong signal, you backed off. I was hurt. Yes, I was full of regrets. I should have known better. But who knows what really happened? I don’t know. I guess I’ll never know. And until now, I would often ask myself, “What if I responded differently? Would things turn out the other way around?”
I have always believed that you and I would make a great pair. Back then, I would always tell myself that maybe one day, when we become older, braver, and ready for each other, we’ll have our second chance. Now, we are celebrating our 17 years of friendship. I know we are older and braver now. But would those 17 years be enough reason to revisit what we had? Or would it be another reason to fear taking a risk?