RELATIONSHIP AND SEX
Unsent Letter: To you who left me behind
August 23, 2019
There were rainy nights when I just sit at the corner of my room, with dim lights, and the mixtape that you gave me on my 18th birthday playing on the background. You said they are the songs that makes you remember me. I wonder if you still feel the same when they randomly play. Or maybe you don’t hear anymore because you don’t send me a random SMS just to let me know that I’m in your thoughts. I don’t hear a beep saying that John Meyer just made you remember me.
From that last message, until now, I’m waiting. Still waiting that maybe a song from that mixtape will play while you have your brunch or while you are on your way to work. Still waiting that someone will hum our favorite song in high school, and it will make you give me a call just to say hi.
I’m still waiting for you to remember me. Because just in case you want to know, I remember you every day. Even if our songs do not play on the radio. Even if no one knows our tunes. Even if LANY and The Chainsmokers has taken over every playlist that I have on my Spotify account. I remember you in every heartbeat.
And I always wanted to give you random SMS or maybe a call just to say hi. I am super close to sending a text message asking if you want to have a cup of coffee with me even after work. Or maybe have brunch after your shift and before I go to work. I know I’m willing to run the extra mile just to get where you are…just to say hi.
I did them, right? I just stopped.
Because I got tired. I got tired of telling myself that it’s okay even if all along it was just me. I got tired of letting you set me aside. I got tired of being your last when every single time you are my first. You first hear my good news, bad news, milestones, promotions, every little thing about me. And that’s okay. I mean, I love you like that. And it was also okay if I was the last one to know about what’s happening to you, even if I get the last hug, last hello, last ‘thank you’. It was okay.
I just got tired. I got tired of hearing “I miss you” but will never catch the first bus ride just to get to my place. I got tired of “I’ll make it up to you” but see myself walking to the lobby of your office, making it up for your lost time for me. I got tired of “I love you” but you won’t make it on my special days. I got tired of assuring myself that I matter to you.
So, I learned to take only whatever you can give. I learned to accept what’s only left of you. Even if it’s just the mixtape that you gave me on 2013.
You know what made me know that I really love you? Because even if you haven’t said sorry, I have forgiven you. And on moments that I was your last choice, you are always my first. In a heartbeat. Without a doubt.
I just learned that I don’t have to chase, I don’t have to check your calendar just to see where I can fit. But I just want you to know, just in case you want to drop by and say hi, I’ll make myself available. I’m still waiting.