A letter to the one who broke my heart the most

Troyka Lunar

January 5, 2023

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  Should I take the risk and be prepared to fall? Or suffer the pain of not having you at all?

  You were my default, the first person I looked for in a room full of people. From having a good lunch to having a bad day at work, you were the first person I wanted to tell my stories to. Back then, I knew I always had you. You made me so happy. My eyes were brighter, and my smiles were wider. There were no butterflies in my stomach because what I felt was comfort. You always felt like home. Loving you was one of the best feelings I have ever felt in my entire existence. That’s what I always tell my friends. And indeed, it was.

  I can still remember how high my walls were before you came. But when I decided to let you in, I already knew that what we have is something that would last. Or so, I thought.

  Every high hope went down the day I realized that the puzzle piece you filled in my life already belonged to someone else. From being my light at the end of the tunnel, you suddenly became a dark place I never wanted in the first place. My bright eyes were never enough to make this dark place regain its light. I tried so hard to get out, but I lost and ended up living in a dark place.

  The pain was unbearable. I wanted to punch you in the face, but I ended up doing it to myself for believing that in this chaotic world, I was lucky enough to find certainty. The missing puzzle piece you were supposed to complete became a dark hole full of anger and suffering.

  I needed rescue because the dark hole started to eat my soul alive, but it never came. That’s when I knew that no one could save me from this misery but myself. I didn’t know how and where to start. So, I desperately picked up my broken pieces inside a dark, twisty place.

  I was miserable. Taking a pill every night just to let myself sleep became one of my comforts because I was saving myself from staying up all night waiting for a message from you. I went out week after week and carelessly thought that I only had myself and a big load of alcoholic drinks. That way, I wouldn’t have to spend my only day off from work thinking of how to put back the broken pieces. After all, a whole day of a hangover is better than wondering why I ended up in this place instead.

  As Meridith Grey once said, “I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke.” I wasn’t sorry; Not even to myself.

  It took me months before I finally dared to ask myself, “What happened to you? Is this how you stand up from a big fall? Do you really want to deal with a bumpy and rocky road this way?” And then it hit me. I pulled myself together. Years after, I found myself starting to see the light again. I made it, even without the closure and explanation I thought I deserved.

  Six years after, you came back. My walls are already higher than before, but something in you makes them weak. I looked back and remembered how dark the place you put me in was, the place I once was. It scared the hell out of me. I cannot bear seeing myself being in there again, no matter how much I want you in my life. I need to protect my heart from being shattered into pieces again because I don’t know if I can still pick them up one by one.

  Now, I have a choice to make. Should I take the risk and be prepared to fall? Or suffer the pain of not having you at all?

  I don’t know. So, please tell me, what do I do with you?

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