A letter to my Better Half on his first birthday in Heaven

Angelique Agarap

March 24, 2023

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  I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve uttered the words “I miss you, babe” under my breath. Every day, I’d get up to find my bearings that you’re no longer here. I do so with fear of what my mind could do when my heart persist to look for you.

  Your presence was a gift of a lifetime for me. I understand that having you in my life changed me in ways I thought I never could, but it wasn’t until you were gone that I realized how much you live on through me as time goes by.

  I hope you know that just because you aren’t here doesn’t mean we won’t celebrate you. You’ve been in Heaven for half a year now and not a minute has gone by that I haven’t thought about your beautiful soul.

  As a matter of fact, I talk about you a lot. Your friends and I often exchanged stories about you and all the things that you did when you were here — both laughter and tear-inducing. We’ve come to the conclusion that you were always the life of the party, and without you, we have to work a little harder to keep ourselves entertained.

  I know you’d have a lot to say about the things I still do for you — how I didn’t have to carry on our usual routine as a couple and that you don’t deserve all of that. Some say, it doesn’t help me move on, but the thing is, how can I want to when this is the last link to what I’ve lost? I know, in time, I will come to terms with your passing, but not yet. Not right now.

  To me, you were always the light of paradise that made my life shine bright. Today, you are not here, but your flare is still with me.

  I would be self-serving to want you down here on your special day, but I couldn’t sing and dance quite like the angels up there could. So, I’ll be fine with the idea that you’re having the time of your life with the people you’ve loved and lost.

  I’m doing everything I can to reconcile myself that you’re in better hands. I’m choosing to believe that you’re no longer in pain and that you’re at the happiest you’ve ever been, and if only I have the slightest hint of how wondrous it is in the afterlife, maybe, I wouldn’t be so miserable.

  Today, forgive me if I’d rather sit by your grave and talk to you. I know that’s not how you’d want me to spend this day, but that’s all I know how to do for the time being. While days feel like years, weeks fly by in the blink of an eye and this is still all so excruciating to me.

  Maybe next year, I’ll throw a party in your honor, fill it with all your favorite people, serve all your favorite foods, and play your favorite music.

  I wish I knew how to make you feel how much you are loved and missed. God knows I’d walk to the ends of the Earth for one more minute with you, but knowing you, you’re with me every single day. Sure, losing you also meant losing me, but deep down, I know, someday, I’ll make it back home.

  I love you so much, my Albert. Happy Birthday.

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