I don&rsquo;t know where to begin, or if this even makes sense, but I need to get this out of me.
I was okay. Not whole, but okay. I had figured out how to live without needing too much. How to keep everything quiet inside me so nothing could collapse again. Then you came, and I felt something shift in me. You didn&rsquo;t even know what you were doing to me, but suddenly, I wasn&rsquo;t numb anymore. And I hated how much that terrified me.
I reached out. Not too much, but enough to be seen. Eventually, you did. And when you looked at me like you saw me, I thought, maybe.
I clung to that &ldquo;maybe&rdquo; like a drowning person clings to air.
When everything else in my life started to crumble, I found myself quietly holding on to you from afar, quietly building something in my heart that only existed there. You didn&rsquo;t even have to try. You just existed, and that was enough for me.&nbsp;
I&rsquo;ve always known that you have someone else, but that didn&rsquo;t stop the feeling from growing. Still, you confused me. The way you spoke to me, the way you looked at me, the way you reached out for my hand, the way you locked me in your arms, the way your words sang on the edge of something more. You felt close and yet, when it mattered, you always chose someone else. And I get it. I do, but it still breaks me in ways I can't explain.
Now, the feelings have tangled themselves into something heavier. There were moments that made me wonder, &ldquo;Did you feel it too?&rdquo; And here I am, left with the silence, the maybes, the imagined moments I&rsquo;ll never know were real. It hurts not because you didn&rsquo;t choose me, but because I let myself believe you might.
So, I&rsquo;m withdrawing. Not because I want to, but because I have to protect what&rsquo;s left of me. I can&rsquo;t let this become something ugly. I can&rsquo;t hate you. I don&rsquo;t want to.
I want you to remain the person who made me smile without even trying. The light at the end of the tunnel. I don&rsquo;t want to look at you one day and feel only the pain of not being chosen. I want to remember you as someone who gave me light in my darkest hours. I want to remember you as the warmth, not the wound. The light, not the reason I stopped believing in it. The one who gave me so little, yet somehow, those little things meant the world to me.&nbsp;
Maybe that&rsquo;s what hurts the most. You gave me crumbs, and I treated them like a feast.
You saw me, but you never chose me. And that is a kind of pain I don&rsquo;t have words for.&nbsp;
Even so, I still want to remember you gently, even if it ruins me.