RELATIONSHIP AND SEX
UNSENT LETTER: I’m walking out of 2018 without you
November 16, 2018
I entered this year with so much hope in my heart that every little thing 2017 has brought will finally find its place by 2018. I mean, answers to all the hanging questions I had or maybe figure things out. I was very hopeful that I will surpass all my fears, brave the sadness that visits me once in a while, and just live the life I have at the moment.
Seriously, I did. 2018 was about myself. I may not have figured things yet but I’m learning a lot in the process. The year was not perfect, but it made me discover what life has to offer and it’s vast—more than what I can process inside my head. I am learning a lot about life.
Except love. Except you.
I still don’t know how to handle love, how to handle you. It felt like we were running in circles. We’re still doing the same thing. One day we’re okay, one day we’re not. There are moments when you’re so close, I can’t get you away even from my mind. But there were also days when you were so near but your heart beats for me were far. Actually, most days. I can’t even hear them. You’re not always okay. And as much as I want to resolve them with you, as much as I want to fight your monsters with you, I can’t do it anymore. Because you won’t let me. Because you won’t fight them yourself.
I keep on trying. Trying so hard to be part of you but even if I still want to, my heart’s giving up on you.
When you got here, I was just as hopeful that maybe the universe was conspiring better for me this time. I was rushing my way to you and it felt so real. It felt so right. It felt so good being someone’s choice again because for some time no one’s choosing me but myself.
I thought you were my ride or die, the “worth fighting for”, my favorite everything. I promise you, I tried. But maybe some battles are not meant to be fought for. Some are worth the surrender and you were worth the surrender.
As they say, leaving is not an answer but, I guess, so as staying.
So, here it is.
I’m walking out of 2018 without you. I wish I could go through another year with you and brave it with flying colors. But maybe not this time and maybe not with you.
Here’s to bus rides that we have to do alone. I wish you’ll find someone to sit with and may she complete the journey with you. Not because you’re lonely or mad at me but because you’re healing and loving.
Here’s to the gifts we should have given to each other but opted to throw it away or just give it to someone else. I hope that the next time something reminds us of each other we will not feel bitter but be glad that we have crossed paths.
Here’s to the 2am thoughts we’ve shared. The next time you’ll have one I hope that you’ll get to share it with the same person for the rest of your lifetime.
Here’s to the inside jokes that only us understands and appreciates. May we have that person we’ll exchange jokes with and think of first when we get a new one.
Here’ to the dreams we made together. May we find a new one to make them real with. Or maybe make new dreams.
I’m saying goodbye to 2018 and to you as well. Thank you. I loved you.
January 11, 2019
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November 28, 2018